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‘Piggy in the Middle’ – The 2017 Christmas Poem

with 2 Comments

It’s that time of year again! Here’s my 2017 Christmas Poem, read by yours truly – turn down your speakers!



Dear patrons! Dear customers! Lend me your ears,
Gather around, blow the froth from your beers
I’d like to convey, in satirical speak,
A fun way, I think, to give you a peek
Why I’m stuck in the middle, a rock and hard place,
My bread! My butter! The human race

Like Toad we’re mad for the motor car
Beep beep! Vroom vroom! Hurrah hurrah!
Love ‘em or hate ‘em they freed up the masses
Doctor to Banker they weed out the classes
Its not just a car but the badge on their chassis

What ever ya cleanin’, what ever ya seen in,
Remember it’s Jeremy Clarkson who says:
“Skoda are making nice Audis these days!”

Years of incentives to get us in diesels
Now everyone’s got​ one they’re treated like measles
“Don’t want ‘em in London,” I hear Sadiq say,
“We helped you to buy one now please go away”
The future’s electric so please mind your backs
Arriving! Self driving! And no carbon tax
They’ll drive you to drink, these powers that be,
Right up the wall… AUTONOMOUSLY!

​That old chestnut, pollution; the key, the solution
Politics! Scientists! Cloud the confusion
The Green’s manifesto: “enough is enough,
We’re stopping the world, letting everyone off”
We all have a place to escape going mad
But go there by car: its on ya sat nav

​I’m your cycling mechanic, I say how I feel
Please stay off your bike and behind the wheel
Loving our planet as much as the next
I’m needing you out there doing your best
Wearing those clutches and passing your test
Thinking of Chris when the cars headed west
I’ll tell ya no porkies, I ain’t on the fiddle
Jus’ lil’ ole piggy… in the middle!

Now I ain’t complaining, my verves never waning
You break em! I fix em! It’s all in my training
So I rest my case, stand by my defence
Against barmy armies with more camps than tents

The makers say choose one
The Greens say don’t use one
The movers finance one
The shakers say scrap one
The government tax more for driving last years one
And you have to have one so I can afford one

If worlds are the oyster
Our wisdom the pearl,
Then gimme the moonlight,
Gimme the girl​

2 Responses

  1. Ann
    | Reply

    Love the poem, Chris! Unfortunately, Saturday is my birthday (don’t ask how many) and I shall be out all day so come nightfall I’ll be exhausted! I hope you have a great party and a very happy Christmas. All the best, Ann

  2. Charlie
    | Reply

    Excellent Chris, a second career awaits when you hang up your socket set!

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